That time I almost walked into oncoming traffic

January 10, 4am, I was actually sleeping. A false evacuation warning was accidentally sent out. I was awake for the rest of the night.

My roommate came over later that day. If I remember correctly, her friends, coworkers, and church raised money for her, so she went on a shopping spree at Marshalls. She showed up with 2 suitcases full of clothes that we went through and divided between us. She brought me another pair of shoes (which fit even better than the ones I had bought myself and actually tried on), bras, leggings, some nice long sleeve shirts, a sparkly coat, which I LOVE. She left me with one of the suitcases to store everything. And the suitcases nest, so they can easily store when the house is rebuilt and we live together again.

Despite going through all of this as well, my roommate has made sure I was taken care of. Long before the fire, I had asked her if I should get renters insurance, or if I was covered under her home owners insurance. She said she wasn’t sure and we should look into it. Guess what we never did… I tried applying for FEMA, but because it was her house, it told me the address had already been used. I may have been able to go to the Disaster Recovery Center and talked to them in person, but I just didn’t have the mental capacity at that time. I applied for aid from the Red Cross, and they eventually contacted me and asked me to call them, but by that time I was back to working full time, while also spending all my free time searching for permanent housing. I had all my basic needs met, so a few hundred dollars wasn’t a priority for me at that time. 

All that said, my roommate hasn’t had it easy by any means. I don’t want to get into it publicly because it’s her personal business. But one thing some people haven’t thought about is just because the house doesn’t exist anymore, doesn’t mean the mortgage goes away. She also no longer has my rent helping off set that, AND she has to pay rent elsewhere now. And the insurance on the house (if I understand correctly) only covers the value of the house and the contents. And possibly not even that if they just gave her the max payout. Rebuilding cost so much more. There are costs for Designs. Permits. Contractors. Building supplies. Etc. All the while her cost of living is higher. And at least she had insurance. I’ll probably write a future blog about Altadena, but there were a lot of people who had houses that were in the family for generations. Many didn’t have insurance, or were under insured. And they’re older, and retired, and can’t afford to rebuilt. But like I said, I’ll get into that another time.

Side note, while writing this, I went to look something up. I’m often so sad for her about all the amazing costumes that she lost. The walls of house were adorned with fairy and dragon wings. But I just remember all of the painting, she painted herself, of previous pets, and the case with mementos from some of them, that were all lost in the fire (mementos, not pets).

Faith, with a glimpse of wings in the background

I started to get upset and almost ended the blog here. But I want to talk about January 12. 

January 12 there was a Community meeting. I wasn’t going to try going in person, but they had it streaming on YouTube (you can watch it here if you’re feeling bored and have 2 free hours). As previously mentioned, when I evacuated, I grabbed my new laptop but not the charging cable. I decided to go to the Mac store to get a new one before the meeting. I got in my car, and it wouldn’t start. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry. But eventually I decided to persevere. There was a store down the road within walking distance. I’d talk down and buy a notepad and pen for taking notes. I’d stream the meeting on my laptop until it died, and switch over to my phone if needed. 

I walked down the street, and got to a red light at a busy intersection.

While waiting, I thought “I could just walk in front of one of these cars, and I would’t have to deal with any of this anymore.”

It very a very brief, but very serious thought.

It was the only time in the past year I’d thought something like that. Everything I’d been through, but I’d only ever considered giving up once. And I’m proud of that.

What to do next

The sunset from my bedroom window
January 5, 2025

The day after the fire is a bit of a blur. I know I spent the entire day in my pajamas. I don’t even remember eating, but I’m sure, if anything, the friend I was staying with would have made sure I did (thank you! 💜) I remember responding to messages from friends and family checking in on me. My roommate and I calling each other back and forth. Following the news and social media trying to track the progress of the fire. Reading the devastating news of places in the area confirmed destroyed. Over all just trying to figure out what to do next.

I didn’t get much sleep the next night either. 

Satellite photo from the morning of Jan 8
My entire neighborhood is on fire

January 9th I put on my single change of clothes, and went to the store. On the drive there an alert went off on my phone. I pulled over panicked asking our dance troupe WhatsApp if I need to go back or evacuate. It was a false alarm, and I continued on to the store, even more shaken up.

I was definitely still in shock, and completely overwhelmed trying to shop knowing I had NOTHING. I needed socks. Underwear. T-shirts. Hoodies. Clothes for work. Work shoes. I tired finding some more pajamas but couldn’t find anything nice and warm. I had a single pair of leggings, which I was wearing, but couldn’t find any leggings. At one point I came across a coat on clearance. I kind of liked it, and bought it because I didn’t own a single coat anymore. I’ve never worn it (I have since been gifted several fabulous coats that I have worn).

I came across a hoodie I liked. I tend to like my hoodies in a medium or large because I like them roomy and cozy and easy to layer. They had small, but no medium or large. I don’t know if XXL was the next size available, or I grabbed the wrong one in my dazed state, but I ended up with an XXL (which I still wear). I didn’t even realize it had a cool disco-ball on the back until I got to the register.

Years ago I had to switch over from boot cut pants to skinny jeans because that’s what was in style. Looking for work pants, all I could find were wide leg, so that’s what I ended up with. A coworker was kind enough to order me a couple of pairs of skinny leg pants (Thank you, too!)

I walked past a stuffed pig that I used to have, and got upset. 

I realized I didn’t have anywhere to put anything so I went to the luggage section, but got overwhelmed and didn’t get anything.

At some point I got so overwhelmed in general I had to go to the back of an isle and cry.

I was a zombie the entire shopping experience, and I hope I didn’t come off as rude to any employees.

I almost cried again at a second store because they also didn’t have the coffee creamer I used to use, and I just wanted some sort of normalcy.

Overall I spent about $250 that day just buying necessities to get me through the next few days. Work ended up giving any employee displaced, even temporarily, $250. While any little bit helps, I found it ironic that I had spent that much before even knowing I would be getting it. And half it was on very basic things so I could show up for work.

That night my dance troupe had a get together at our troupe leader’s house. We’d all been through so much stress and chaos. We needed to get together; laugh, cry, hug. Everyone showed up with a bag of clothes to give me. And it wasn’t just a bag they had lying around waiting to take to the thrift store. They took the time to think about what I might like, what would fit me, and even gifted me things they knew I used to have. I love and appreciate them all so much.

My dance troupe also encouraged me to make an Amazon wish list. Over the next several days, mounds of packages started showing up on my friend's doorstep. Gifts from troupe, friends, family, people I haven't talked to since High School. There was so much going on that I never got a chance to thank everyone, but if you sent something, please know I appreciate it SO, SO much. And even if you weren't able to send anything, I appreciate everyone who checked in on me as well. People reached out asking for my PayPal, Venmo, etc. to send money. My list was bought out in a few days, but people kept asking how to help. I didn't have anywhere to store anything more. So many people struggled, are STILL struggling (that will probably be a future blog), but I was taken care of. I had a place to stay, clothes to wear, toiletries, and an amazing support system.